Survivor Tree

Hi Lolly friends!
Sometimes, no news is good news. See... I haven't written because I've been away. Thanks to Amy F for treating us to a few nights in New York City to get away. Last year, I had agreed to give a speech at the New York metro APHON conference. APHON is a professional organization for pediatric hematology and oncology nurses. My speech is titled, 'My Journey thru Cancer... to Survivorship.' Hope they didn't think i was scamming them with the title and my recent cancer diagnosis :o). But... I'm hoping to beat this one too, and continue to use the same title in the future. We also got to do some touristy things, and ironically, this will be my third blog about trees. For the record, I really am not a tree hugger :o).

Well this tree, is called the Survivor Tree. After 9/11, workers found this damaged tree in the wreckage at Ground Zero. At the time of its recovery, it was 8 feet tall, badly burned, and it only had one living branch. The tree was nursed back to health at a Bronx nursery and grew to be 30 feet tall. "In March 2010, the tree was uprooted by severe storms, but true to its name, it survived... it embodies the story of survival and resilience that is so important to the history of 9/11."

Here's me and the tree. At 4 foot 10.5 inches, I'm hoping to continue to stand strong like the tree. Please keep me in your prayers. I have more tests this Tuesday, and I have a meeting with my doctor on Friday to decide my surgical fate. And surgery is the only curative option. Kind of scary. Fingers crossed.

lots of love... little lisa lollipop

Dear Diary,

Apologies ahead of time. This is by far, my most depressing blog yet. But I felt it was important to include since it is my reality. Sorry.

Well the bad thing about Rylan's birthday anniversary, is that the following day is the anniversary of his death. It has been a long 3 years over which he has pretty much consumed my thoughts. Having lost him as a baby, you face constant reminders... with every passing month, you think about how big he would be then... and of what milestone he would be approaching, but now he will not. When you lose a child, you are losing all of the dreams that you have for him or her. It is the worst imaginable pain possible. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy (even though i don't think i have a worst enemy :o). But by far, it was worse than all of my cancer experiences combined. Physical pain is one thing, but emotional pain for me was worse. How do you heal a broken heart.

Losing a child is also a lonely place to be. People are uncomfortable, so they avoid you.
Or people mean well, but they say the wrong thing - like you can always adopt.
And then there are people who don't know what to say, so they don't say anything.
And people that don't say anything either because they think it will upset you.
And it's a lonely place to be, because time moves on and people move on... even though you have not. It continues to consume your thoughts. In the end, the pain does not go away, you just grow numb to it.

The more I thought about it, I felt the only way to express the pain that I felt is to share some excerpts from my old journal... even though it makes me feel more vulnerable and they may be a little too depressing... Some are a little redundant. And some include some words in Spanish, so I'll try to include the translation.
_________________________________________________________________________________
late april or early may 2010
Rylan Cruz Dorantes Haffner 
I hope you know how much I love you. I'm sorry if we didn't have the time to show you.
I rub my belly like i used to- before out of joy with you inside, now because of the pain and emptiness. I'm still trying to come to grips with why i would be so blessed with you as a true miracle if you were only going to be taken away so soon. But then again I feel so guilty for even having that thought. For I am so blessed to have had you if even for such a little time. I hope you know that I fought for you, as I know you fought for me.

I love you so much. I never want to forget the feeling... of feeling so fulfilled and that nothing else mattered since I had you inside me. A total calmness and feeling of peace.
_________________________________________________________________________________
late april or early may 2010
I love you Rylan. You were such a miracle to me and everyone. I think that's what makes it harder to grasp that you are gone. Or perhaps that is why you could not stay.

We buried you with some special things - in a little Angel outfit that Karin & Vinnie bought. Pictures of us together. Mary Frances mass card, so she can take care of you in heaven. Lily of the Valley- tu bisabuela's (your great grandmom's) favorite flower. A rosary from your abuelita (you grandma), A special blanket that Karin was making for Nicholas... He would have been your best friend.

Father Sam also did your service, mijo (my son). In a weird way, he was responsible for you. Yes, un padre - que escandaloso (Yes, a priest - how scandalous). See he picked me for Project Mexico - well he prayed with Christine to pick the best people to go. Then I went to Mexico and fell in love with it - causing me to return to NPH - where I fell in love with your daddy - pretty much immediately...
_________________________________________________________________________________
09- may-10
Happy Mother's Day to me! I love you, Rylan. I like to wear my matching duckie hospital bracelet at night - the one that says Baby Boy of Lisa Haffner - the one that proves I was a mommy- your mommy- the one that we both wore at the same point in time once when you were still alive here with me, little one. Mijo, I've also been trying to account for everyday that I was pregnant - when we were together. Like the last movie I saw with daddy was brothers. Where I went this day - what we did that day. Ayy, mijo. I'm so sorry. Ojala que no te hube fallacido. I hope that I did not fail you)...
_________________________________________________________________________________22- may-10
I love you Rylan Cruz.
Today marks one month from when you left me. Although I may not have written, I think of you everyday. I love looking at your photos and seeing how beautiful you are. I wish I could just understand why, but I don't think I ever will. I lite a candle for you today with the image of La Virgin de Guadalupe. Ironically, she is the same one that I prayed to for me to be pregnant. She too knows what it's like to loose something so precious - her baby boy. But at least she had 30 something years with Jesus. Oh Rylan, I just don't know. What I do know is that your mommy- o mejor mamá- loves you to pieces. God bless you, little one. I'm sending you kisses to heaven. Besos.
_________________________________________________________________________________
12-june-10
I love you Rylan Cruz!
I've been questioning God all along when I should have been thanking him all along... for blessing me with you.
_________________________________________________________________________________
18- june- 10
I love you Rylan Cruz!
Time does not heal all wounds - for I ache for you today just as i did when you passed almost two months ago. Whoever said that is a big fat menso (idiot). But I would never teach you that word should you be here with me. You brought me so much fulfillment, mijo. Nothing else mattered when you were with me, in me. Nothing else mattered because I had you. The world was beautiful and everything in it was likewise. ..
_________________________________________________________________________________
19-june-10
Going back to work was harder than I expected. Let's see...I cried to Nicole and Brigid when Brigid gave me nursing report first thing in the morning. I cried to Carolyn and then Jess when I shared our story. I cried to Ricka from just a hug. I cried to Jeana as I merely walked by the front desk and made eye contact. And I cried to someone else, but I can't remember who. But all the time, I cried inside- crying for you.
_________________________________________________________________________________
20-july-10
I've been avoiding this (writing)- only because it hurts so much. Truthfully, I've been consumed by you. I miss you so much. I don't even know what to write because I feel so empty.

What kind of a life is it when you wake up only waiting for night to come? And I hate myself for even saying that.
_________________________________________________________________________________
 04 -august-2010
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Cause he took my sunshine away.

Remember when I sang that to you in my belly (of course, I've now had to alter the last line). Well, I was going to sing it to you all the time... in fact, you would probably be sick of the song by now. I love you so much little one. I haven't written because I'm utterly depressed. It's so hard without you...

I'll never forget how I could always feel your little noggin in my belly. I loved it! Some woman whispered to me in the hospital that you were gone. She had a sweet voice, and she told me - from one mother to another- they tried everything they could to save you. It's okay, mijo, if you had to go. I am just selfish and want you to myself forever. Apparently, someone is too beautiful for Earth :o). That's you, you little stinker...
________________________________________________________________________________
28-july-2011
...Ayy mijo. I just read all my previous entries. I guess I am in a better place, but the pain will always be there. Also, my newest explanation, is that God sent us to you - I mean you to us - duh! For I always wanted to give daddy a son even though I could not and likewise for me to be a mom. He showed us true love. And yes, you were and still are our miracle, but you were not ours to keep. Bonnie once told me that God only lends us our children. But we just got stuck with the worst return policy, right. I love you, baby.

Please watch over Claire Emma, ok. Besos al cielo, mami (kisses to heaven love mommy).
_________________________________________________________________________________
31-july-11
Today I visited Jackie's little baby girl: Claire Emma... She is beautiful, but she is also very sick...I'm very scared for her. Please continue to watch over her.

Of course, all this, along with everything else brought my thoughts back to you. I was thinking of how losing you is not only painful, but it's also a very lonely place. No one knows what it's like- just daddy. And even his experience is different from mine. I also purchased a bunch of books on loss - perhaps searching for some explanation. Truthfully, I've barely cracked them open, yet they bring me comfort to know they're there. Or more so, to know I am not alone in my pain.
_________________________________________________________________________________

If I've learned anything about loss, it's that there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. And everyone grieves at their own pace. Now that it's been 3 years, I'm definitely in a better place. I personally love talking about him- it allows his memory to live on. "The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears."

Now I like to think he was born and went to heaven to watch over me as I face my recent diagnosis. Lord knows I know I need all the help that I can get. :o)

When God calls little children to dwell with him above.
We mortals sometimes question the wisdom of His love.
For no heartache compares with the death of one small child,
who does so much to make our world seem wonderful and mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to His fold.
So He picks a rosebud before he can grow old.
God knows how much we need them, and so he takes but a few
to make the land of Heaven more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult still somehow we must try,
the saddest word mankind knows will always be "Goodbye."
So when a little child departs, we who are left behind
must realize God loves children, Angels are hard to find.
~unsure of author

I've always liked the following saying too:
We thought we were having a baby, but we had an angel instead :o).

thanks for allowing me to share my story.

lots of love... little lisa lollipop

!Yay!

Hi everyone!
Got more chemo today. !Yay, chemo! Hip, hip, hooray! lol

Same regimen: Gemcitabine & Abraxane. Hope it's sucking all the cancer out right now. I'll be having more scans: CT & MRI next week, and these are the important tests to see if I'll be a candidate for surgery. Fingers still crossed :o)

Yesterday, Sunday, we celebrated Rylan's birthday :o). It's hard to believe he would have been 3 years old. 
!Yay, Rylan Cruz!

I wish i could hold him and touch him. I wish i could see him open his eyes. Perhaps they would have been light like mine. I wish i could see his smile. I wish i could hear him say mamá. It would be so cute to hear him speak Spanglish like we do. But... I am fine with waiting... cause this girl isn't planning on going to heaven any time soon. No matter what they say my prognosis is. Mmmm Hmmm, that's right! Amen. :o) So please keep praying. And then pray harder :o). Please.

A little chilly but great seats. !Yay, John!

We spent over an hour at the cemetery in the morning. We played Las Mañanitas (Mexican birthday song) and sent him more balloons with birthday messages. Juan's got caught in a tree. Whoops. Also attended a fun family baptism celebration in the afternoon. It was great to see the extended family. !Yay, Nolan!


At night we went to the Phillies game since i won tickets at the beef and beer on Friday. And... it was the Phillie Phanatic's birthday too. Phillies won: !Yay Phillies!

Thanks for the cake. !Yay, Auntie Big Bon-Bon!

And no birthday would be complete without a birthday cake. !Yay, cake!
And !Yay, chocolate cake!

lots of love to our angel baby & lots of love to you...

little lisa lollipop


P.S. "Even the smallest of feet have the power to leave everlasting footprints upon this world."

~Lisa Clarke     

M.F.

Mary Frances

No... not what you were thinking. :o) I'm talking about my beloved cousin, Mary Frances. She was the first born of all the cousins... a hard role to fill, but she did it well and made it look easy. She was smart, beautiful, and loved life. But most of all, I loved her wit and her humor.

One Christmas, as a child, Mary Frances woke up extra early before everyone else, unwrapped all the Christmas presents, and the rewrapped them. And... changed all the tags on the presents, so she would get all the good ones. M.F. :o)

At Thanksgiving dinner, she would entertain us with her songs about diarrhea.
I was walking down the hall, and i felt something fall. Diarrhea, uh uh. Diarrhea, uh uh.
I sat down to eat, and i felt something neat.
Diarrhea, uh uh. Diarrhea, uh uh.
Of course, us kids all thought the songs were hilarious. The adults... probably not so much.
Ironic thing too... is that she wrote the following story while undergoing a bone marrow transplant for Hodgkins Lymphoma. And she mentions one of her favorite childhood topics: diarrhea, uh uh :o)

Little Lisa Lollipop & Mary Frances
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Cruising the BMT Ward

•   By Mary Pinter
•  Written by Mary at 4am in the morning when she was in the Bone Marrow Transplant (BMT) Ward of Jeanes Hospital

I just checked my bags on 5/12 and realized of course I have underpacked with the food delivery service to the room.  I really should be in the right attire (PJs for breakfast, lounge wear for lunch and evening attire for dinner.)

The staff has been very understanding of my great faux pas.

Diarrhea is a way of life here on the high seas and there is talk of having a Monday night measurement party – winner takes all (a jar of what they call here “Butt Cream”).  Trust me you want to win for the cream alone.

I am lucky I have not had to participate in the vomit parties, I am going on Day 17 vomit free (apparently that is a big accomplishment on the ward). – no great prize if you win this competition.

Mouth sores are the next thing to show up.  This is where the Spa’s weight loss kicks in.  If  your goal is to lose 10-20 pounds, you will get your wish with mouth sores.  Mine are slight so I am still packing in the caramel creams and skor bars.

I have at least another week of physical labor- I try not to ask because that way it makes every day a surprise.  (And wouldn’t it be great to hear what you are going to get).

My room is the size of my closet at home but it does accommodate 3 guests comfortably at one time.  Of course as a guest you must wear a face mask, look at a bowl of candy you can’t eat, and talk to someone you would hardly recognize unless you know my brother.  You might think I was him.

Nurse Fran is the cruise director of the ship and Dr. Jillella.  There is absolutely no entertainment aboard this ship unless you consider ----  a comedy for yelling “ Oh, you have diarrhea” to the whole floor and more.

The Ships doctors both visit every morning around 9AM.  All of the other staff are wonderful and available as soon as you need them. 

I have been looking at this adventure as a month at sea ( I hope it’s not more than a month) since there are no ports of call or captains dinners.

I think I will have to teach them towel animals before I leave so the next visitors will get some laughter every day.

My next cruise will be somewhere fun and all of my friends and family (are included).  [there may be (prizes?) so start saving].

_________________________________________________________________________________

Unfortunately, our family never got to take that cruise together. Mary Frances passed away from complications post her bone marrow transplant, and she was buried on her 36th birthday. I'ld be lying if I said that i didn't experience survivor's guilt when Mary passed. Why did someone so great have to die, while i got to survive (my cancer).

To know Mary Frances, was to love her. 

lots of love to you, Mary Frances in heaven. Give Rylan a big hug and kiss for me. Today is his 3rd birthday!! I know you're taking good care of him up there.

lots of love to everyone...

little lisa lollipop

Candy Land

Last night was...
wait for it... Legendary! See... my coworkers held a beef and beer in my honor yesterday. And you did an amazing job Lauren, Cara, Quinny, Paula, and Elizabeth. Thank you for all your hard work: it was perfect! It was a Candy Land theme, complete with colorful floor squares, cute candy decorations thanks to child life, and an awesome sign from Rhonda. Hollaa!! And check out these professional looking cupcakes. They tasted as good as they look. Thanks Kelly. (Sorry if I am leaving anyone out :o).

There were a ton of great baskets for the raffle done by various staff. The effort that people put into the baskets was apparent. I wanted to win them all :o). But Deb was clearly the biggest winner of the night.

But the best part of all was seeing all of my coworkers whom i have missed so much. The love and support that they have shown me is overwhelming. I am at a loss of words to express my love and appreciation back. I've always known that our patients/families are lucky to have such an amazing team of nurses, child life, doctors, social workers, etc. And now I have experienced it first hand. I feel your embrace. Thank you for always lifting me up... to gum drop mountain :o).



lots and lots and lots of love to
3 east/ 3 south...
little lisa lollipop



P.S. Fun Fact from Sunday Morning: The Candy Land game was created to keep children indoors during the polio outbreak.

my new norm

When I was 10, losing my hair was really traumatic.
I already told you how upset i was when my little sister had to draw a picture of our family in preschool. Remember... she drew me with one single hair on my head. Well back then i would do a chemo comb over with the few straggly strands that i did have, put a hat on, and think that i was fooling everyone. Now... i've been around bald heads so much, it doesn't really phase me. But I'm still working the chemo comb over.

perfecting the 
chemo comb over :o)

very bald in the rear

When i was nineteen, losing my hair was still hard, but it was different since i now understood. And besides... i had an even bigger adjustment of becoming an amputee. The biggest adjustment though wasn't the fact that i now had one leg and had to do things differently. It was dealing with society. The stares from kids, i understand, but you would be surprised by the ignorance of some adults. Now... after having been an amputee for 19 years, i've kind of become immune to the stares.

A lot of times, the younger kids ones will say that my leg is broke since they can't grasp it. And with how curious kids are, i get lots of funny questions. Like how do get a bath or how you put your pants on :o). Not too long ago, one of my patients was a four year old little girl. Backstory: i usually just tuck my spare pant leg in behind me since i'm not good at sewing. And the right pant leg ends up covering the right side of my bum. Well... this little girl was really smart. She said, "look mom... she has one tushie." And that is my all time favorite comment!

lots of love from your friend with one tushie... little lisa lollipop

One day at a time...

Happy Sunday, everyone!
Sorry, i haven't been that present. My energy level has been down along with my spirits. Perhaps... because I'm getting over being sick and then got slammed by chemo. Or perhaps it's the reality that i have only one more cycle of chemo, and then I'll be reevaluated to see if surgery is a possibility: my only curative option. Or perhaps it's because i saw my job posted as a temporary position in a work email the other day. So... i've been heeding my own advice that i often give to the families at work, one day at a time. Because sometimes... that's the only thing you can do.

W.C.U. 1997

Well... my hair is pretty much gone now. Still have a few stragglers though.  My doctor offered me a prescription for a cranial prosthesis... aka a wig. Isn't that hilarious. But i have never been a fan of having a prosthesis... a leg one that is. See... i did use one in nursing school. I guess i had unrealistic expectations, but it's the same as when people assume that if i use a prosthesis, it would be easier. The two legs are better than one concept :o). But in my case it wasn't. Ultimately... this is what a did with my prosthesis.

I made the decision not to use my prosthesis anymore when i was working at a nursing home/rehab place after graduation. Aside from the fact that it was uncomfortable, it was just really slowing me down.

But once i did make the decision not to use it any longer, i felt FREE... And i haven't looked back.

Assateague Island, Maryland

still free, taking one day at a time, & sending lots of love...
little lisa lollipop :o)

cherry blossoms!!! ........no other title needed

Hi Lolly friends.

Haven't been feeling well, so apologies that it's been a few days since my last post. Like the little chick in the pix say... this is BS... i was sick on top of being sick. :o) But... it was inevitable. Juan got sick around Easter, and we were careful. Poor guy was sleeping on the sofa for the week. But... our house is small, so it was only a matter of time. It hit me on Friday night, and i started antibiotics on Monday. I'm starting to feel better now... Just in time for my chemo today. Yay!



Yesterday i was able to work on my bucket list.
Finally got to see the cherry blossoms in bloom in Washington DC. Juan and i went last year with their 100 year anniversary. But with the crazy weather last year, the blooming was off. But this year we got it right... and it was well worth the wait!

my cute new magnet

Enjoying cherry 'blossom' lemonade
 by the Tidal Basin.

NO, not cherry blossoms, but
YES, me acting like a smart a@#

Fun Cherry Blossom facts:

'the cherry blossom festival celebrates spring in Washington DC, the gift of the cherry blossom trees, and the enduring friendship between the people of the US and Japan.'

The 3,000 cherry trees were a gift from the Mayor of Tokyo to the city of DC in 1912. Most sit around the city's Tidal Basin.

We did the full loop around the Tidal Basin, & also got to see the beautiful  Martin Luther King Jr Memorial.

On of my favorite quotes of his:

"If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward."





Well... still moving/ crutching forward :o)
lots of love... little lisa lollipop

P.S. For any future DC cherry blossom travelers...

Get a map first and log onto nationalcherryblossomfestival.org to get up-to-date 'bloom watch' information. And enjoy!

sunshine, lollipops, & rainbows

I got my work fix yesterday. Yay! See... i had signed up for a work conference before all this madness began :o). It was great to see some of my coworkers and learn a thing or two. My body has been spoiled though; it's not used to getting up so early. So i was a wee bit late. whoops.

The ride home afterward was beautiful! See... the day started out all wet from the rain, and now it was pure sunshine.  Made me think of a magnet that i just bought: sunshine, lollipops. & rainbows. Well... i didn't see a rainbow, but perhaps there was one somewhere... or perhaps a double rainbow. (Click here if you want to see one)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99E9fDgZZuE

And... if i were Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music, all three would make my list of favorite things. That raindrops on roses crap just doesn't cut it for me :o). Some other things to make the list, butterflies (duh :o), flowers, holding hands, "real" mail (as opposed to email), smell of fresh cut grass, birds chirping, afternoon cat naps with my cats... just to name a few, so i don't bore you too much :o)

And then... admist all these happy thoughts, i started to cry... little a whittle girlie man :o) I don't know, i've just been so overwhelmed by everyone's kindness, love, and support. And if i can reiterate some generic words of wisdom that we've all heard before...

Never take a day for granted. Don't sweat the small stuff. Let things go. Don't get caught up in the hustle and bustle of what we call life. I know, all of this is easier said than done sometimes... especially if you're in a funk... which happens to all of us.

But... if i've learned anything in life, it's that we often cannot control things that happen to us, but we can control how we react. And as i once heard Robert De Niro say in an interview: "you can't wait for someday"... cause that someday is now.









Well... sending you happy thoughts your way along with lots of love...

little lisa lollipop


P.S. PO Box closed.
Here's my mailing address:
768 North Judson Street
Philadelphia, PA. 19130

i heart Philly

Well... it doesn't seem like much of an item to have on one's bucket list, but today i finally did the big bus philly tour. i've done similar bus tours in NYC & DC, and i've really enjoyed them... learning little tidbits about the cities that you wouldn't find in a pamphlet. so everytime i see one of the big buses driving in our neighborhood, i drive alongside it and try to listen in on the tour. I'll share some of the fun facts that i learned today (well, some i knew :o).

Anyone that's been to Philly knows that it's pretty easy to navigate since it's a grid. The streets running East-West were named from the trees found in the area. South Street used to be Cedar, Sassafras Street later became Race Street since people used to race their horses down it. The streets running North-South, on the other hand, are in numerical order. But instead of 1st street, you'll find Front Street. And that's because William Penn, the founder of the city and a religious man, felt that nothing was 1st
before God, hence no 1st street. pretty cool :o)

Another cool story that non-Philadelphians might not know is that of the curse of Billy Penn. See... for years William Penn's statue (which sits atop City Hall) was the tallest point in the city. Once construction of buildings exceeded his height, the curse began. So from March of 1987 with One Liberty Place, all of the local Philadelphia sports teams... Eagles, 76ers, Flyers, & Phillies... would fail to win their respective championships. In 2007, with the completion of the Comcast Center (now the largest building in Philly), a mini statuette of William Penn was afixed to the final beam, thus, breaking the curse. The Phillies won the World Series in 2008.

Aside from the Liberty Bell, the Rocky Balboa statue is the second most popular Philadelphia attraction. We live by the Art Museum, so we have witnessed many people running up the steps like Rocky does in the movie. Just found out today though that he really didn't run up all 72 steps, and that his stunt double did most of them. What a wimp :o)

Well... there's a lot to see here in Philly... and, of course, you can see most of the sites in a miniature scale version at Franklin Square and play mini golf at the same time. bonus!

Well... lots of love to Philly...
After all, it is "the city of brotherly love"... little lisa lollipop

Franklin Square

i love her to pieces!

Did you ever love someone so much... that you just want to hug them and squeeze them so hard... and never let go? That means you love them to pieces... i guess because the squeezing would eventually cause the person to burst into a million pieces. But trust me, it's a good thing. And that is how much I love my niece, Natalie. I love her to pieces!

It's hard to believe she is eleven years old today. Where does the time go? I remember when she was first born and holding her in the hospital. I remember all the times i was lucky enough to babysit and spend time with her. I remember so many fun times with her, but the best times are when we act nuts together.

She is the oldest of all the grandkids in our family, and she is the only girl which makes her extra special. She is sweet, super smart, quirky, and beautiful. I love that she's an innocent 11 year old... cause i don't want her to grow up too fast. And pretty soon she'll be taller than me too. Yikes!

She once told my sister that bunnies have one leg... because I have one leg, and i hop like a bunny (when i'm not using my crutches). And one time she told my sister that when she grows up, she wants to have one leg too. Fortunately, she's changed her mind about that one :o).

I cherish every moment that we spend together...
even if you bring 20 bags of toys when you come to sleep over and even if you used to make up your own rules to games.  And even if... no matter what... I will always, always, always love you to pieces, Natalie! Don't ever forget it. Happy Birthday!

lots of love to you Natalie... little lisa lollipop

P.S. Moooo. Moooo. Moooo.

Happy Sweet April!

Do I smell jelly beans?

Happy sweet April!
Sweet because instead of rain, it's bringing me some relief from the bone & muscle aches. Well, I spent Saturday doing what sometimes is best... i just slept it off.

My hair continues to shed, and my shiny scalp is starting to shine thru. Perhaps I'll need to apply a self tanner... so it's not so darn shiny :o). There's just something about losing your hair... it makes you look sicker and thus, feel sicker. Total side note... i have my front door open for the sun to come in, and an orange butterfly just flew by. And then he came back and was flying against the glass like he wanted to come in. :o)

Easter Bunny & me: March 28

Well Happy Belated Easter too!! Juan was especially happy with Easter's arrival as he gave up junk food for Lent. I tried that once, but I wasn't as successful... I began to analyze packaging like crazy...  did you know that goldfish actually says that they are crackers on the package, so in my moments of weakness, they did not qualify as junk food. But he didn't go nuts with the sweets like i thought he would. My nephews, on the other hand, had one too many jelly beans. Little bit of wall bouncing, and they ended the night with an adorable break dancing dance off.

Although it was great to spend Easter with the fam, it was also a little bitter sweet. See... i usually have to work on Easter, so i spend it with my CHOP family. And i've really been missing work. Speaking of CHOP, I forgot to tell you that I got in trouble twice the other day when I went to get chemo... See Wednesday was a sunny day, and being across the street at Penn Medicine always gives me a great view of CHOP. The hospital just looked so beautiful, so I took a picture. Which apparently is a big no-no. The other time i was scolded for getting on the escalator. The woman at the information booth started shouting after me, "Ma'am! Ma'am! You can't go on there Ma'am!" I guess that was about liability, but i never pay them any attention. I'm such a rebel...  i always take the escalator :o).  Anyhows, here's to April and more sweet times to come.

lots of love and jelly beans... little lisa lollipop

"Scandalous" CHOP pix